Chicago's Hottest Hotel Near Woodfield Mall: Courtyard Escape!
Okay, Here's the Messy, Honest, and Hopefully Helpful Review of a Hotel Nightmare (and Dream?):
Alright, buckle up buttercups, because I just emerged, blinking and slightly traumatized, from the… well, let’s call it "The Hotel Formerly Known as Expectations." And let me tell you, this wasn't your sanitized, picture-perfect travel vlog. Nope. This was real life. This was me. And here's the hot mess express of my experience, broken down – or rather, exploded – into bits and pieces, with a healthy dose of oversharing and, let’s be honest, a few tangents.
SEO & Metadata (Gag): Okay, fine, let's TRY to be helpful for the search engines, too. Here we go: Hotel Review, Luxury Hotel, Accessibility, Spa, Fitness Center, Restaurant, Wheelchair Accessible, Free Wi-Fi, Pool, Sauna, Massage, COVID-19 Safety, Family-Friendly, Business Facilities, Room Amenities. Ugh, I need a stiff drink after that.
The Accessibility Factor (or Lack Thereof):
Look, I'm not in a wheelchair, but I do appreciate a good ramp. And elevators. And clear signage. The hotel claimed to be aces on accessibility. Wheelchair accessible? Yes, technically. But getting around the sprawling grounds felt like a treasure hunt designed by a particularly sadistic leprechaun. One minute I'm gliding along a smooth pathway, the next I'm battling cobblestones and narrow doorways. Facilities for disabled guests? They said they had 'em. Never actually saw a room. Also, the exterior corridor reminded me of a horror movie…
On-site Accessible Restaurants/Lounges: I honestly didn't explore them all. The main one was…well, it was there. The view was pretty, though, I'll give it that.
Internet: Still an Issue in the 21st Century?
Okay, let's talk internet because, frankly, I need it to exist. Free Wi-Fi in all rooms! Hallelujah! And it… well, it worked! Sort of. Mostly. Occasionally. I’m pretty sure my parrot could’ve downloaded a movie faster. Internet [LAN]? What is this, the 90s? Seriously though…
Internet Services: Fine. I suppose.
Wi-Fi in Public Areas: Better, but still patchy. I spent a good hour near the pool, hunched over my laptop, desperately trying to upload a picture of a remarkably average sunset. (It failed.)
Things to Do (Besides Panic About the Wi-Fi):
Ways to Relax (Haha): This is where things get interesting, or possibly, my patience ran dry.
- Body scrub, body wrap, massage: Yes, they had these. And they were amazing. Seriously, the masseuse was a goddess. Worth the cost.
- Fitness center: Basic, but functional. I saw a guy on the treadmill staring blankly at the wall. Felt like I understood.
- Foot bath: Never actually got to this.
- Gym/fitness: See fitness center, above.
- Pool with view: Yes! And glorious. The view was breathtaking. Worth the price of admission.
- Sauna, spa, spa/sauna, steamroom: All available and, from what I gathered, pretty darn good from the people exiting.
- Swimming pool, swimming pool [outdoor]: Ahhh, the pool. The highlight. Beautiful, refreshing. Peaceful… unless you wanted to order a drink. Service at the poolside bar was… let's just say, leisurely. After an hour I just gave up and went back to my room.. Oh also the pool floor was slippery when wet, which is dangerous.
Cleanliness and Safety: Or, The Existential Dread of Modern Travel:
Okay, let’s get serious for a sec. We’re living in a pandemic, people. I’m not going to pretend it doesn’t bother me.
- Anti-viral cleaning products, daily disinfection in common areas, hand sanitizer, hygiene certification, professional-grade sanitizing services, rooms sanitized between stays, staff trained in safety protocol, sterilizing equipment: They said they did all this. They really did. And they made a big deal of it. I wanted to believe them but couldn't shake the feeling I needed more hand sanitizer.
- Breakfast in room, breakfast takeaway service, individually-wrapped food options, safe dining setup, sanitized kitchen and tableware items: The breakfast was… well, more on that later. They did wrap everything. Every single thing. Even the bananas.
- Physical distancing of at least 1 meter: Tried. Really tried. Sometimes it worked. Sometimes, not so much.
- Room sanitization opt-out available: I probably should have.
- Shared stationery removed: Good. I can’t imagine how many germs are on a pen.
- Doctor/nurse on call, first aid kit: Good to know, but never needed.
- CCTV in common areas & outside property: Yes. Which is all very reassuring, if you like being watched.
- Smoke alarms, fire extinguisher: Always welcome.
Dining, Drinking, and Snacking: The Rollercoaster of Culinary Curiosity:
Oh boy, where do I even begin? Restaurants? Plural, yes. Some were good. Some were… less so. A la carte in restaurant, breakfast [buffet], breakfast service, buffet in restaurant, coffee/tea in restaurant, coffee shop, desserts in restaurant, happy hour, international cuisine in restaurant, poolside bar, salad in restaurant, snack bar, soup in restaurant, vegetarian restaurant, western breakfast, western cuisine in restaurant: They had it ALL… in theory.
- Room service [24-hour]: Bless them. Absolutely essential at 3 AM when your stomach's decided to stage a protest.
- Asian breakfast & Asian cuisine in restaurant: Fine.
- Bar: The bar was a lively place.
- Bottle of water: always a plus.
The breakfast… ah, the breakfast. Breakfast [buffet]: The buffet was a culinary minefield. The quantity was impressive. The quality… less so. I swear, the scrambled eggs could have bounced. The bacon was… well, let’s just say it had a texture that defied description. On a positive note, there was always toast. Though it might have been made with the same eggs.
Services and Conveniences: The Good, the Bad, and the (Mostly) Forgettable:
Air conditioning in public area: Yes, mercifully. Audio-visual equipment for special events, business facilities, cash withdrawal, concierge, contactless check-in/out, convenience store, currency exchange, daily housekeeping, doorman, dry cleaning, elevator, essential condiments, facilities for disabled guests, food delivery, gift/souvenir shop, indoor venue for special events, invoice provided, ironing service, laundry service, luggage storage, meeting/banquet facilities, meetings, meeting stationery, on-site event hosting, outdoor venue for special events, projector/LED display, safety deposit boxes, seminars, shrine, smoking area, terrace, Wi-Fi for special events, Xerox/fax in business center: They offered all of this, and more! A veritable smorgasbord of services.
- Cashless payment service: Thank goodness.
- Air conditioning: Essential. Especially in the sauna.
- Daily housekeeping: My room was always clean.
- Doorman: He was friendly.
- Concierge: Always helpful.
- Laundry service: Got my stuff laundered, it came back perfect.
For the Kids: Family Fun?
Babysitting service, Family/child friendly, Kids facilities, Kids meal: Seemed geared towards it. Kids, of course, were allowed at the pool, so there was constant yelling and screaming.
Available in all rooms: Room Amenities.
Additional toilet, Air conditioning, Alarm clock, Bathrobes, Bathroom phone, Bathtub, Blackout curtains, Carpeting, Closet, Coffee/tea maker, Complimentary tea, Daily housekeeping, Desk, Extra long bed, Free bottled water, Hair dryer, High floor, In-room safe box, Interconnecting room(s) available, Internet access – LAN, Internet access – wireless, Ironing facilities, Laptop workspace, Linens, Mini bar, Mirror, Non-smoking, On-demand movies, Private bathroom, Reading light, Refrigerator, Safety/security feature, Satellite/cable channels, Scale, Seating area, Separate shower/bathtub, Shower, Slippers, Smoke detector, Socket near the bed, Sofa, Soundproofing, Telephone, Toiletries, Towels, Umbrella, Visual alarm, Wake-up service, Wi-Fi [free], Window that opens. My room had a lot of those things.
- Air conditioning, alarm clock, bathrobes, bathtub, blackout curtains, closet, coffee/tea maker, complimentary tea, desk, extra long bed, free bottled water, mini bar, non-smoking … The room had the necessities.
- **Internet access – wireless, laptop workspace, reading light, refrigerator, satellite/cable channels, seating area, separate shower/bathtub, shower, slipppers, smoke detector, sofa
Alright, buckle up, buttercups, because this itinerary is less "smooth sailing" and more "slightly-sea-sick-but-still-kinda-loving-it." We're talking Courtyard Chicago Schaumburg/Woodfield Mall, IL, and let me tell you, my expectations are, well, let's just say they're not exactly sky-high. This is pure, unadulterated (and probably slightly caffeinated) realism.
Day 1: Arrival & Existential Dread at the Woodfield Mall (AKA: Where Did My Youth Go?)
- 1:00 PM: Touchdown at O'Hare. Ugh. Flying is the worst, even in a relatively-modern metal tube. The line for baggage claim? A soul-crushing ballet of weary travelers. Seriously, the airport floor looks grime-ridden. I suspect it holds the secrets to lost airport socks.
- 2:30 PM: The long trek to the hotel. Uber driver was friendly but also shared WAY too much about his ex-wife. (Seriously, dude, I’m just trying to get some air conditioning.)
- 3:30 PM: Check-in at the Courtyard. It's…a Courtyard. You know the drill. Clean-ish, beige-toned, smells faintly of cleaning chemicals. This is my kind of romance, by the way. Found a rogue packet of instant oatmeal in the desk drawer. Score! (I'm trying to stay positive).
- 4:00 PM: The main event: Woodfield Mall. My God. This place is a vortex. It's like a mausoleum to consumerism. Honestly, I can almost smell the fleeting joy of a new pair of shoes. I feel an intense wave of nostalgia. I haven't been to a mall like this… in a long time. At least 15 years. My first reaction? Panic. (The sheer scale is overwhelming.) My second? A weird sense of deja vu, like I'm reliving a pivotal moment in my own life but can't quite place it. Where did all the teenagers go?
- 5:00 PM: Wandering aimlessly. Saw a Cheesecake Factory. Tempted. Very tempted. Battled with the siren song of a Cinnabon (that smell, though!). Ultimately, I decided to keep it light because I am trying to adhere to my New Year's resolution of "eating less sugar."
- 6:30 PM: Pretentious coffee from an overpriced chain coffee shop. (Needed a caffeine boost to survive the mall.) The woman in front of me was wearing a sparkly jacket that could probably blind a small mammal.
- 7:30 PM: Hunger pangs. Decided to eat at a food court, because realism. I'm still in this, I promise. Picked up a plate of greasy, delicious, questionable-meat-filled, orange chicken. No regrets!
- 8:30 PM: Staring at a pretzel stand. I was gonna buy it. I was SO going to, but I talked myself out of it. Defeated, I started questioning my life choices.
- 9:00 PM: Back to the hotel. Feel utterly exhausted. The mall had done me in. Contemplating an early bedtime. Probably should have packed something other than t-shirts and jeans.
Day 2: Pretending to Be Cultured and Failing Gracefully (Maybe)
- 8:00 AM: Woke up feeling slightly less existentially bleak. Ate that rogue oatmeal packet. Pretty good, actually.
- 9:00 AM: Thought about going to a museum. Chicago has some great ones, right? But then… the couch beckoned. Decisions, decisions…
- 9:30 AM: Couch won. Watched some truly awful daytime TV. Fell into a rabbit hole of infomercials. Regret.
- 11:00 AM: Okay, fine. I'll pretend to be cultured. Looked at the museum options. I would head into the city, but the thought of public transportation makes me sweat.
- 12:00 PM: Lunch at a local diner. Ordered too much food. Regret.
- 1:00 PM: Sat in a park, watched the squirrels. One of them gave me a look that suggested he knew all my secrets. Made me deeply uncomfortable.
- 3:00 PM: Second visit to Woodfield Mall. (Against my better judgment.) This time, I had a mission: find a souvenir. Failed miserably. Everything was either too cheesy or too expensive.
- 4:00 PM: Stumbled into a bookstore. Breathe heavily. Survived.
- 5:00 PM: Considered a yoga class. Laughed so hard I snorted. I am not that person.
- 6:00 PM: Ended up at a different restaurant. Steak. Pretty good steak. Needed the protein after all the emotional turmoil.
- 7:30 PM: Thought about calling a friend to chat. Overthought it. Didn't.
- 8:00 PM: Back to the hotel. Flicking through TV channels. Found a marathon of Law & Order. I have no idea what the episode is about.
- 10:00 PM: Sleep. Maybe I'll try that museum thing tomorrow. Maybe not.
Day 3: The Homecoming. (Or At Least, Leaving)
- 9:00 AM: Woke up. Packing. Dread. Seriously, how do I manage to accumulate so much useless stuff?
- 10:00 AM: Quick breakfast at the hotel. The waffle maker was broken. Clearly, the universe is conspiring against me.
- 11:00 AM: Final trip back to Woodfield Mall. (Yes, really!) This time, I was on a mission: BUY THE DAMN PRETZEL.
- 11:30 AM: Success! The pretzel was glorious. Chewy, salty, warm. Worth every single calorie.
- 12:00 PM: Packing up and checking out.
- 1:00 PM: Uber back to the airport. The driver was talking way too much about life again.
- 2:00 PM: Security. I was asked to throw my water bottle away. Seriously?
- 3:00 PM: Airport anxiety.
- 4:00 PM: Plane is delayed.
- 5:00 PM: Finally, boarding.
- 6:00 PM: Take off.
- 7:00 PM: Home. And now, I'm exhausted but in my own bed. I'm weirdly grateful for the beige, the malls, and the pretzel. Maybe I'll go back. Probably not soon. But who knows? Life is full of unexpected things!
Okay, deep breaths. If you're expecting a concrete, definitive answer to "what is *this*," prepare to be disappointed. Because honestly? I'm still not 100% clear. It's like trying to describe the taste of blue. It shifts. It changes. One minute it's all sunshine and rainbows, the next it's a philosophical debate about the meaning of toast. Trying to pin it down is like trying to catch smoke with a sieve.
I *think* it's supposed to be about... stuff? Maybe life? Maybe the internet? Maybe just the sheer, beautiful chaos of existence? But maybe it's also about nothing. And you know what? Maybe *that's* the point. Embrace the nebulousness! The glorious, messy, undefined freedom! ...Or maybe I just haven't figured it out yet. Could be that too. Either way, hang tight.
Right, functionality. Okay. This is where I confess: I'm making this up as I go. Seriously. I didn't exactly get a training manual. Basically, look around. Poke at things. Click on stuff. See what happens. If it explodes, blame the internet. If it works, awesome! Celebrate! (And maybe tell me how you did it.)
My initial plan was meticulous, organized, a symphony of user-friendly brilliance. But life, as usual, intervened. I got distracted by a shiny squirrel one day and... well, let's just say things took a decidedly more "wing-it" approach. Don't worry, I'll probably break something first. Just consider yourself warned. And if you *do* find something useful, please, *please* let me know. I could use the help.
Okay, okay, I know. I get distracted. I ramble. There are tangents. There might even be a cat picture or three shoved in there somewhere. (Don't judge. Cats are important.) The reason for all this... delightful disarray? Well, I have a short attention span, for starters. And secondly, let's be honest, sometimes things just *happen*. A thought pops into my head, and boom! I have to chase it down the rabbit hole. It's a curse and a blessing, honestly.
And the cat picture? Don't even get me *started*. That cat is my spirit animal. Unapologetically fluffy, utterly indifferent to your expectations, and master of the art of napping. Basically, a role model.
Um. Safe. Good question. Let's break this down. Safe for your *sanity*? Probably not. Proceed with caution. I'm not responsible for any existential crises you might experience. I'm just saying... be prepared to question everything.
Safe as in, will it explode and take down your computer? Well... I *hope* not. I've tried to be reasonably careful. Mostly. (But no promises, okay?) Safe as in you won't go blind? Probably. Unless you stare at it for *too* long. Then again, prolonged exposure to anything can have side effects. Sunlight, television, my own rambling... the world is a dangerous place.
The million-dollar question! The real answer? Honestly? Mostly entertain myself. I find the world is a ludicrous place, and occasionally, I need to give it a good poke with a stick. Or, you know, write a rambling FAQ.
If I can accidentally make someone else think, or laugh, or maybe even just *feel something* for a brief, shining moment... even better. If I can somehow distract you from the impending doom of whatever's going on in the world for a few minutes, that's a win in my book. If it somehow, even temporarily, allows you to pause and *breathe*, that is the ultimate victory. I'd like to think, in my own clumsy, chaotic way, I can plant a seed of something more, you know? Even if it's just the absurdity of it all.
Ah, the elephant in the room! Why is this so long? Simple: Because short and concise is *boring*! I am incapable of brevity. Seriously. I start to explain something, and then BAM! I'm off on a tangent about the philosophical implications of toast. (It's a real rabbit hole, trust me.)
Plus, I have more to say. Far more, probably, than you have the patience to read. I ramble. It's what I do. This... this hot mess of words... this is my comfort zone, if I can even say I have one. Welcome. Settle in. We'll be here a while.
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